A Thoughtful Day

Current Song: Dead End-The Format

Today is a new day! YAY!

I went to the singles ward in Silverdale for church on Sunday. We were late. My bad. It was interesting to say the least. It was a lot smaller than I thought it was going to be. Here's a couple things I got from it.

• One of the speakers during sacrement meeting was friggen hilarious. I couldn't remember his name if I tried, cause I know I have met him before.
• Another one seemed to be one of the best speakers ever and he used one of the exact quote I gave to my girls at girls camp one year. I spent like 2 hrs today looking for it, no go. But here it is from the internet

• Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.
• Sunday school was great, the teacher a little unprepared, but I did some thinking about The Book of Mormon and how long it's been since I've read through it. I'm reading the Bible right now.
• Reliefy Society, we had this topic about the "courage not to judge others." I really had to sit there and just not kill someone cause all the people that we talking about we should really strive just not to judge at all....that was so unrealistic. Here is what it comes down. The Courage not to Judge...is not the courage to NOT judge. We are going to judge. Down right human nature. But what takes the courage is to be able to judge and then learn from that judgement. To be able to change your mind and opinion if your judgement was inncorrect. The courage to admit you were wrong.
• This singles stake showed me, I really love the single people in my stake. I love how they are so bright, smart, warming, and they aren't afraid to put themselves out there. And they put up with me. I really do love them all. Molly, Matt, Jimmy, Sean, Kelly, Heathe...My sister, others. Thanks guys.

Favorite Bible Verse: so far

1 Cor 10: 13---There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be temped above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape that ye may be able to bear it.

I usually carry around a notebook with me when I go to church or institute, so I can write down things that hit me. This one I have I bought it for my friend Jimmy when he was on his mission cause I was going to send it to him so he could write his song lyrics in it, but I liked it so much I just decided to keep it. It's an older entry though, I would put it as like...November of...2008. I was having a really hard time in college. I read this over today...I thought I should write it down here cause...I might lose this book.

Just when I think I was strong the gust of wind blew my light out. How do I make sure my light is bright enough or strong enough? (Refering to...Matthew 5: 14-16 Ye are the light of the world....). Maybe that's why you always have to be building on your flame. Coming to college has forced me to become someone I really don't like, because my light wasn't strong enough. I know if I was that eternal marriage that everyone seems to get handed to them, that I have to work twice as hard because of my tendiences to lean away when times are troubled. It's a lot harder than I though it was going to be. But I knoww that if I can learn to depend on the Lord as I should have before and do what is right, that I can gain eternal marriage. For some reaosn it's all I can think about. I know it's really important, but it's making me miserable! Itis cause I know I'm not doing what is right? That's why everytime I think about marriage it depresses me.

I thought the ending part of that was funny. That's true. It did depress me. Marriage kids life starting again...Gosh. It was all too much! I still feel kinda the same way, though it doesn't depress me as much. Getting married is something I want just like everyone else, yes it's a big deal, but...I'm not about to give up my education, experiences, opprunities for it. That's one thing I was thinking about today. I hear both sides of this agruement, what to do about love. Should I go after it, or should I let it come to me. People say, that it will just happen to you, cause true love is from God, but others say, you know go out there and experience, date and meet people, that's the way to go about it. So, I guess the best way to just balance the two.

Today was intense. My parents had a bbq, and there was at least 9 poeple over the age of 55 at my house, and Trista was inside...sick. So, yah. I sat at a table by myself. I was reading this philosophy book that Teague recommended months ago. The chapter I was reading on...so perfect was about love. And here is the defintion at the end, I'm going to leave with..

"Then Love is the everlasting possession of the good."

Gosh, that's the best defintion I've ever heard. More about that next time.

Ending Song: One More Time-Daft Punk

I do love my techno

Grow Up!

Wow, I've read the crap that I have wrote on here. Man, it's time for me to grow up, start acting 20. People are trying to mess with me, because they know me so well, and it worked. I got upset, and I let it bother me.

No more.

I hope my friends come this weekend! It's going to be really great if they do. I dont' know what we are going to do, cause...my hometown is whack.

Forever Doubting

Current Song: Kids-MGMT (remix)

Wednesday=super busy.

Holy crap. I woke up way too early! For not having classes on Wednesdays, I never want to get up past 8. Psh. Not. I couldn't go back to sleep after Tanner and Kolena went to work. Oh well, I guess I don't really need sleep.

Tomorrow is my last day of summer school. For this year. It's my last summer school ever. I should be graduating in December. I hope. I just have to pass all the rest of my classes. These 2 classes and...5 more in the fall. Math is friggen hard. (side note, I think my computer has a virus). I have a final tomorrow. I'm terrified. I don't know how I'm going to do....pray for me.

So, through all of sophomore year of college, I kinda had this weird relationship with my friend...next door. I ended up being really good friends with the 2 boys next door, one I still talk to everyday. I love that kid. The other one, I kinda had feelings for. And then summer came, like 2 weeks past and then one week as I was already in Seattle, I thought that I would just drive over there and see them, they both live in the same place. We had a great time the whole day. I had a really big feeling to tell him how I felt, cause I could tell that all day we were making people feel really weird. Me and him were really touchy feely, he always put his arm around me. It was the little things, that me and the other...cough douche cough...didn't have. Anyways, I was going to tell him, then someone told me not to, then I got in my car, I couldn't leave. I wrote a note. I left it in his truck. He called, confessed he liked me too, and then said if we dated disaster would be in the near future. He had judged the situation before giving me a chance and that really upset me. I went back to try and convice him, that I actually did care about him, and that I wanted something to happen and that I wasn't using him as an excuse or whatever. It failed, I got shot down and he hasn't talked to me since. He wants "space." I have to respect that.

Anyways, the point of this sad story is that the friend that I'm on good terms with might be coming over this weekend with two others, and I wanted him to come. Wow this is really hard with no names. I highly doubt it. It's just really depressing cause I have no control. And he would be one of the people to throw away a friendship instead of explaining to me how he feels....

The one guy that I am really interested in, contiunes to look over me. I'm sure he is going to move on to bigger and better things and not have a second thought to me. That's what I get for not saying anything. Should I? When is it ok? And when will this actually work! Great. Never is the right answer there.

Why am I writing this? Psh, cause I can. Any other questions?

Current Song: Stockholm Syndrome-Blink 182

Quick after thought

After talking with a friend on the phone about something, I'd like to write it down so I don't forget. We were talking about being sad about our current situations.

Being sad. We decided that we can't be sad if you never had something. Like, if you have never had a girlfriend/boyfriend, then you can't be sad about not having one. Make sense?

Both of us had best friends. Both of us told the truth and we lost our friends. We lost the good times, we lost the memories, we lost a person we can trust. We have a right to be sad. Does that mean we should be? No. But we can be.

hmmm

From the billards room...

Current Song: Just One of Those Things-Frank Sinatra

I'm at Tanners right now, We were playing pool, but his dog just had like a freak attack and starting barking at the smoke detector, which freaked his wife out, and long story short, here I am.

I'm about to have my summer break. Summer school, totally not a good idea. I did it last year...it was also hell.

Me and my friend Alyssa are going to plan a trip to California to see our friend Simon. Complications have gone on in the past, and so it might be awkward just hanging out with him and none of the other boys around.

People always say, that your high school friends will always leave, they will fade, and they will pretty much keal over and die. Well, I would not admit that till this year. Well just this summer. I've seen like my 2 bestest guy friends like twice all summer. One won't ever return my phone calls and the other one, is just too busy. Maybe I'm not important enough. Maybe. Maybe not. I know people got their crap going on. I just would like people to put some effort in stuff. I've tried time and time again. I'm not really willing to give up. I emailed one of my friends the other day that I miss very much and wanted to re connect with him. He called me his most loyal friend. That touched my heart. I hope it's true....

This week I have been thinking about friends, the ones that have past, the ones I have now, and the ones I dont' have anymore, and the reasons behind it and the future ones. Most of the time I feel like if I lost connection with someone, that it's my job to start it again. But what I didn't think about until the other day, is that maybe I'm not their friend for a reason. That the Lord has a good reason, why me and this particular person aren't in contact anymore. And as much as I hate that, I have to live with it. I have faith though. Maybe some day we'll come back to each other. I'm thinking of one person, and if you know me, you'll probably catch on. Friends were always really important to me. No one wants to hear the whole "I never had friends as a kid" story. Sometimes it's true. In my case, totally. So I value them.

Lately things with friends have been so complicated. You know I'm having one of those common problems again with trying to not be too honest. I have friend I'm interested in. Where is it ok to say something, if ever? It's the...only do it if you think they are interested, and this is where I slap people. No one can really know if we aren't honest with people. People always say they appreicate my honesty, but they turn right around and do the same thing. If you really want to show me your appreicate it, open up and be honest as well, tell me how you feel. What's the worst that can happen, oh wait I can tell you that. Situation: It's your BEST friend. You debate, you tell...punch in the face. Friendship continues, but without meaning to make them turn around have feelings for you, even though the agreement was for me to not presue that area. UNFAIR. You get mad, no speaking, then the time comes, the option is presented, physical. And you have to choose a way. Friends, or more than friends. And you choose the one you have never gotten the chance to take before. You go for it. You dive in, they say it's a mistake. 2 strikes. Now what? Give up. How, you both are so into it. You lose your mind. You lose focus on everything else. It keeps happening. All of this, with everyone yelling at you, telling you only a fool would continue...no one to talk to. Finally parted. But your life is consumed by this person. They shoot you down again, even though both agree to there is something more. Person GONE. In the middle of this, you got school, church, and other friends on which you are ignoring. barely passing classes, barely getting through life....can't think of how it got worse, Oh, on several occasions this person cut off from being friends with you, only to come back and say, it was "for the best." What was...you being a douche? Now, things are awkward, and having a hard time forgetting the past and trying to pick yourself back up from what your life used to be.

Ok, so, that's pretty much as worst it can be? What am I waiting for?...

When is it time to give up? I'd like to say never. Psh, in my dreams. I'm going to have to give up something, but in a way with that whole things, I already did..(no..not that). Is it going to happen? No. Do I want something to? For the first time in 2 years, I can say no, because I have seen what my life would have to be to be with this person. Am I ok? Yes. Blogs are sweet.

John 15:13: Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends.

I wonder if anyone else has these issues? I can do nothing but rely on the Lord and ask for direction. I need to have more of an eternal perspective. It's the hardest thing, to step back and look at the situation and judge it. Be more logical about things and out weigh everything.

As for the new guy. Maybe only time will tell, if violins will swell, in memory of what we used to call love (MCS)

Time for me to figure stuff out. YAY! :)

Current Song: Guilty Hands-The Senate

Favorite Office Moment

First Timer

So, honesty, what's the difference between a blog and a journal? Right, I mean, I don't know how to go about this, but I can try. I do love to take pictures, so I'll throw some of those in there.

I'm Taea. I think about stuff A LOT. Comes with the whole not really doing anything at the moment thing. I'm about to graduate college from UW. Don't tell anyone, but I really don't wanna be done with college. I friggen love it....

Yep, that's me leaning over the Indian kid. I'm sure he's uncomfortable.

I like music. I play guitar. Sorta. I'm no Jack Johnson. Or my friend Jimmy, who is the man.

I have a big family!

All of the kids start with T's. It's pretty epic.

I'm LDS. And to be honest, I love being LDS. I'll tell more about later. It's been a rough couple of years.

What else? I'm really close with my sister. This is her. Trista....

I don't have a boyfriend. This is what happens with that area. I get really excited when I find out that I have feelings for someone. I freak them out and become super honest and tell them how I feel, and then I scare them away. I'm a super honest person, and most of the time it works out, but just not in this area. I was interested in this one guy lately, but I think once again I'm the girl who has all the guy friends, not a second thought on me is wasted and the person passes right over me. I need not to worry about it, I gotta finish school.

Here's a list of shizzle about me....

1. I write in a journal everyday

2. I'm secretly bad at math and I wanted to be a political science major, but I never thought that anyone would take a Mormon Political Scientist seriously.

3. I've fallen off my long board so many times and every time I do all I can do is laugh because I just failed in front of at least 100 people.

4. I love old gameshows and old Nickelodeon shows like Rugrats and Doug.
My favorite one is Match Game!

5. I'm obsessed with sunglasses.

6. I hate technologically un savvy people. :/

7. My favorite color is orange even though it's no ones color.

8. People always say "Oh MUSIC=MY LIFE" I can't really take it that far. Yah I suck at the guitar and I can't sign worth crap, but I really love to listen to it, and I feel like I appreciate it more.

9. Don't ask me what my favorite band/singer/song is. I HAVE NO IDEA. I couldn't even tell you what genre it would be in.

10. I'm not really ready to be done with college. :(

11. I used to be deathly afraid of feet, but Teague recently cured me of it.

12. I play video games way more than you think.

13. I love pictures. I'm a horrible picture taker, but my room is crazy filled with pictures.

14. I'm happiest right when I wake up. Not when someone or my alarm does....

15. Most of the time I'm more worried about others having a good time than myself. If you are, I AM!

16. I hate Christmas music....

17. I exaggerate a lot.

18. I have no idea what my natural hair color is.

19. Hot weather is my enemy. When it's hot outside, I'm quiet.

20. I always thought that I was adopted, but like 2 years ago I realized that I'm exactly like my Dad...hmmm...

21. I always laugh at the wrong times especially during movies.

22. I have personally discovered there are such things as stupid questions. Higher level math classes do that to you. I have had a teacher laugh at me. (I totally deserved it...)

23. I say the words dude, epic, fail and pwn way too much and even when they don't make sense.

24. I live for awkward moments. Life is so much random and better this way. Plus it will always give you something to talk about.

25. I love to read, but it's something I rarely get to do...like...sleep..

So, that's a little bit about me. I'm sure some people have seen that.

I'm starting to read a lot of philosophy if you have something to share with me, I'd love to talk.

We'll see where this goes.