Current Song: Just One of Those Things-Frank Sinatra
I'm at Tanners right now, We were playing pool, but his dog just had like a freak attack and starting barking at the smoke detector, which freaked his wife out, and long story short, here I am.
Me and my friend Alyssa are going to plan a trip to California to see our friend Simon. Complications have gone on in the past, and so it might be awkward just hanging out with him and none of the other boys around.
People always say, that your high school friends will always leave, they will fade, and they will pretty much keal over and die. Well, I would not admit that till this year. Well just this summer. I've seen like my 2 bestest guy friends like twice all summer. One won't ever return my phone calls and the other one, is just too busy. Maybe I'm not important enough. Maybe. Maybe not. I know people got their crap going on. I just would like people to put some effort in stuff. I've tried time and time again. I'm not really willing to give up. I emailed one of my friends the other day that I miss very much and wanted to re connect with him. He called me his most loyal friend. That touched my heart. I hope it's true....
This week I have been thinking about friends, the ones that have past, the ones I have now, and the ones I dont' have anymore, and the reasons behind it and the future ones. Most of the time I feel like if I lost connection with someone, that it's my job to start it again. But what I didn't think about until the other day, is that maybe I'm not their friend for a reason. That the Lord has a good reason, why me and this particular person aren't in contact anymore. And as much as I hate that, I have to live with it. I have faith though. Maybe some day we'll come back to each other. I'm thinking of one person, and if you know me, you'll probably catch on. Friends were always really important to me. No one wants to hear the whole "I never had friends as a kid" story. Sometimes it's true. In my case, totally. So I value them.
Lately things with friends have been so complicated. You know I'm having one of those common problems again with trying to not be too honest. I have friend I'm interested in. Where is it ok to say something, if ever? It's the...only do it if you think they are interested, and this is where I slap people. No one can really know if we aren't honest with people. People always say they appreicate my honesty, but they turn right around and do the same thing. If you really want to show me your appreicate it, open up and be honest as well, tell me how you feel. What's the worst that can happen, oh wait I can tell you that. Situation: It's your BEST friend. You debate, you tell...punch in the face. Friendship continues, but without meaning to make them turn around have feelings for you, even though the agreement was for me to not presue that area. UNFAIR. You get mad, no speaking, then the time comes, the option is presented, physical. And you have to choose a way. Friends, or more than friends. And you choose the one you have never gotten the chance to take before. You go for it. You dive in, they say it's a mistake. 2 strikes. Now what? Give up. How, you both are so into it. You lose your mind. You lose focus on everything else. It keeps happening. All of this, with everyone yelling at you, telling you only a fool would continue...no one to talk to. Finally parted. But your life is consumed by this person. They shoot you down again, even though both agree to there is something more. Person GONE. In the middle of this, you got school, church, and other friends on which you are ignoring. barely passing classes, barely getting through life....can't think of how it got worse, Oh, on several occasions this person cut off from being friends with you, only to come back and say, it was "for the best." What was...you being a douche? Now, things are awkward, and having a hard time forgetting the past and trying to pick yourself back up from what your life used to be.
Ok, so, that's pretty much as worst it can be? What am I waiting for?...
When is it time to give up? I'd like to say never. Psh, in my dreams. I'm going to have to give up something, but in a way with that whole things, I already did..(no..not that). Is it going to happen? No. Do I want something to? For the first time in 2 years, I can say no, because I have seen what my life would have to be to be with this person. Am I ok? Yes. Blogs are sweet.
John 15:13: Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends.
I wonder if anyone else has these issues? I can do nothing but rely on the Lord and ask for direction. I need to have more of an eternal perspective. It's the hardest thing, to step back and look at the situation and judge it. Be more logical about things and out weigh everything.
As for the new guy. Maybe only time will tell, if violins will swell, in memory of what we used to call love (MCS)
Time for me to figure stuff out. YAY! :)
Current Song: Guilty Hands-The Senate
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