I have thought a lot lately about my sense of creativity or in my case, lack of. I have always had this envy of others with all the brilliant and beautiful things that they can do. Started when I was younger with my sister Trista. She was always that talented one. She always has had a knack for decorating, photography, and just art in general. Don't get me wrong, I love my sister and am very proud of her. She is very talented! My brother Tanner too. He was the artist, and still is. Can draw beautiful pictures. Then to college, I felt in my place for awhile there as I was living in an Engineering dorm. Nerds as far as the eye could see. But then I started dating someone who was a trombone player. Beh. At last, but not least to my best friend and husband Jimmy. He can wrote so perfectly. He has a tone in his writing, but it flows so perfect. Even though I wish I could, I still bug him, "you need to write more." Someday he will be a famous movie critic. Being married to one isn't easy, but most of the time he is right! ;) He even has his own movie blog: jimmyrhall.wordpress.com Go check it out!
After changing majors in college like 12 times and finally sitting on Math, I really had no direction in life. It wasn't till my last quarter of college that I really found that my ultimate goal is. I want to design math curriculum's. To some of you that might sound like THE WORST. But it's just perfect for me. After talking to my counselor at UW about it, she told me that I needed to get into the education world first by becoming a teacher. So with only one quarter left, I was like.....well crap. So, I took the classes that I could that fulfilled my degree and I graduated. I moved back to my home, though without a plan I felt stuck.
I found a bunch of LDS friends that for about 5 months we really had a great time. We had a great institute teacher and I gained a lot from that time. Lots of us are married now, including Jimmy to me, couple are on missions and some are just living their lives else where. Jimmy decided to move to Utah and at the time, yes I was somewhat interested in him, but he was my best friend. I didn't really want him to leave, but he was going to go to school, which he needed to. PC was just not doing it for him. I wanted to go to. Plus, living with my parents wasn't the best either. They were great, but I think that I just wasn't the best daughter either. I was very irresponsible and inconsiderate. But what I wanted out of Utah was their ARL Program. That's Alternative Route to Licensure. It was a way for me to earn a teaching license without going through a college program. After moving to Utah I got so worried about money that I just looked for any old job. I finally got one, working at a restaurant. I really liked that job. Just before Jimmy and I got engaged I remember telling him that my life was going no where, that I didn't feel like I had a future. A couple of months later the store closed and I lost my job. I was devastated, newly married and out of full time employment. But as Jimmy so loving pointed out, that it was the best thing besides him to happen to me. It really pushed me towards my teaching goals.
So, I applied and got accepted for the ARL program. That was step 1.
Step 2, get hired. Yah right. Last year I had 27 interviews, nothing. 2 weeks before school started I got hired for a Math Lab position. It was an hourly teacher position. I had my own classroom, I did grades, I designed my own lessons to go with the regular teachers. It was GREAT experience. My students really did like me, most of them. They loved to decorate my room. Who would have thought, 9th graders still like to color.When I was hired I was "promised" a full time math job at this school. I interviewed and I got denied. By my own school. For someone who is pregnant and for the first 2 months of school will be on bed rest. Yah, that makes total sense. I was pissed. Still am. I can't yell at my principal because he is one of my references, but as soon as I get hired somewhere, I'm going to rip him one.
So now I am looking again. I have had 12 so far. Nothing again. I have a part time job at Utah Valley University, but thanks to Obama's work act thing, I can't work more than 27 hours a week, or the university will have to give me benefits, and God knows they won't do that. Jimmy has an internship and job this summer. So proud of him. He is doing twice the work I am. He's got one more year of school.
Living in Utah hasn't been easy. I hate the hot weather. Being married for 2 years and not having kids yet is the hardest thing that I have had to deal with. Being here, I get a lot of snide remarks. I have such a logical side to deal with. I know that Jimmy and I can't support children right now. We have no health insurance, barely any money and no future to offer our children. I know Jimmy has to be done with school, and that one of us is going to need a job to support our ambitions of wanting children. I know that we are supposed to have children in faith, but I also believe that I have to do what I can to be a good parent. Right now, with no money, no health insurance, not living in the place that I want to raise kids, and no way to provide for them, that just isn't being a good parent to me. I haven't always wanted to be a mother. But now that I have bagged myself a strong and supportive husband, I believe that I can do my next step in my life.
Dealing with my logical side and the anxiety that it causes me, I have had a hard time lately. I know that one of the reasons I can't fulfill my wish of having children is that I can't get a friggen job. Heavenly Father knows that we can't survive without me getting a job. Why is it that when I put my whole effort into something, I feel let down? It's been the hardest couple of months since college. I have faith, but I believe more times than not, I have no hope. I will continue to do what I can, believing that one day I will be able to fulfill my dreams of being a mom and a teacher.
I don't want people to think that I am not happy or that I am depressed. I just have a lot to say sometimes. I am married to the love of my life. I have two amazing families now. I couldn't be happier with the way that that has turned out. I now have 2 moms, 2 dads, 6 sisters, 9 brothers, 2 nieces and 1 nephew.Having both families so close is hard sometimes. All I want to do is make people happy. That's why I want to be a teacher. Maybe being a teacher in Utah isn't my path. Perhaps this place doesn't need me. I hate how the schools and the districts here are always saying, "Oh we really need math teacher, they are always in such high demand." Psh, my butt. You know what's worse. The two 8th grade math teachers at the school I worked at, both have History degrees. They couldn't get a job, so they went and got a math endorsement. For goodness sakes. I have a Bachelors in Math and a Masters! They are good guys, but still.
Well thanks for listening to my ramblings. I hope to write more. It's mostly for me.
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